Yes, my heart is breaking some for my 5 year old tonight. She was crying last night and would not tell me why but I had my suspicions. She confirmed them today. Mailaya let me know that she wished she didn't have brown skin and that she was born in America so she could have been a tiny baby when we adopted her.
Just to back track a bit. My intention was to go back to Samoa and adopt another child. I even had thoughts of a sibling group. Mailaya's siblings were available soon after we returned home from Samoa. It was quite expensive to adopt from there, mostly travel costs and we didn't feel right about adopting them. Anyhow, Samoan adoption closed and so of course, that door was closed. Since then, we have tried for several transracial adoption situations and none have worked out. We had gotten pretty involved with two of them but I became pregnant both times. The last one in particular didn't seem right to go ahead with. She was 7 years old and she was being disrupted from her adoptive family. I didn't feel that I could be fair to both a baby and this little girl. I NEVER wanted her to be the only child with beautiful brown skin. It is hard enough to fit in sometimes. She has always seemed so resilient though.
Anyway, now we are at the point of having 6 kids, a small home, and really no way to do an adoption right now. 6 kids feels pretty overwhelming already. Mailaya told me that she just wants to look like her sisters. Honestly, I wish I looked like her. She is so very beautiful. I fell in love with her deep, dark eyes the moment we met her. I know she will be okay, but my heart does hurt a little tonight!